There are exactly three types of conversationalists in this world:
Incessant Talkers / Non-Listeners – These are the people who dominate conversations. They make it very hard for another person to get in a word or thought and they are often unaware of when the other person in the conversation is ready for it to be over.
Listener Interupters – These are people who listen to what you have to say but they are constantly comparing it to their own internal dialogue so they will interupt your thoughts to interject their own. Conversations between two Listener Interupters tend to be hectic.
Deep Listeners/Questioners – These are the people who allow you to finish your conversational thoughts while listening intently. In exchange they offer complete thoughts and feedback and ask questions to further understand your points.
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I used to be a Listener Interupter but found that I was spending too much time trying to convince someone else of my point or opinion. Eventually I realized that this didn’t feel as good as simply knowing my opinion and then spending my time trying to understand the other person’s point of view and how it might fit in with my own. I now consider myself in the category of Deep Listening/Questioning and have found it is the most mindful and peaceful conversational style since it requires being in the present moment while conversing.
Which one are you and do you have a preference interacting with one type over another?
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Listening is a mature skill. Everyone desires to be heard; and the good listener communicates their love and interest with their attentive silence.
“Seek first to understand then to be understood.” ~ Stephen Covey
Great comment Jim. Very true!
I once read “There are two types conversationalists. Talkers and people waiting to talk.” I used to be an incessant Listening Interrupter that always wanting to make his point. For some reason, it could have been the above quote, I felt if I really wanted to understand what someone is saying I need to listen instead. I’ve been practicing the Deep Listeners/Questioners approach for a few years now, but occasionally find myself slipping into an interruptor. I’m really working on it though. It’s a process.
Thanks, Ben!
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Hi Ben,
I find I can be all 3 types of listener. I prefer to be and interact with Deep Listeners/Questioners. For me, it is a matter of outcome based thinking. If I ask myself “what do I want to create during this conversation” it helps me to focus on listening which, inturn, fosters quetioning. I hope that makes sense.
Hi Ben,
I find I can be all 3 types of listener. I prefer to be and interact with Deep Listeners/Questioners. For me, it is a matter of outcome based thinking. If I ask myself “what do I want to create during this conversation” it helps me to focus on listening which, in turn, fosters quetioning. I hope that makes sense.
A very useful post
At present, I can say I’m a LISTENER INTERRUPTER…Each time I would like to say so many things, and I start talking while the others are talking. (in this case I’m a non-listener) I don’t have the paticence to listen till the end.
I guess it’s wiser to listen and afterwards talk.
Ben:
With Incessant Talkers / Non-Listeners around, no doubt you will also find that some will become one of the rare fourth kind: The Incessant Listeners / Non-Talkers….
Gotta say it varies dependent on mood.
Most of the time I’m a listener interrupter, however I find I’m not comparing what some one is saying to internal dialog. Instead I find that I’m usually interrupting with questions to better understand their point…
I try/aim to understand someone elses point, though am somewhat overly curious; asking questions on the topic as well as providing views sometimes before they have finished. To me this is somewhat a hybrid of the final two conversationalists and can work out to the benifit of anyone involved in the chat.
An example being that I’m reading Robert Jordains “Music your brain and ecstacy” while my flat mate is reading “Musicophilia” another book about the human perception of music. In conversations with him I find it very hard to just listen because so much information in that book relates to mine. We’re both constantly listening/interrupting/questioning because its something were passionate about and in our cases its working out to be quite educational.